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Monday, September 5, 2016

Life Lately // A Long Weekend & Honesty

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Labor Day. Can you believe it's September already? The kids are all going back to school, those gross PSL drinks are showing up all over my timelines, and it's only 3.5 months until Christmas. Ugh.....

This summer. I wish I had lovely things to say about it, but if I'm nothing else around here, I'm completely transparent. This summer has not been a good one for this girl. I've struggled on many fronts this summer. Physically and emotionally this has been a hard season. I've been out of sorts since early Spring, trying to be positive when all I've really wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and hibernate until the Fall. 

I don't feel comfortable in my own body anymore and I feel as though I've stepped over a ledge that I cannot pull myself up from. It's no secret to those that know me well that I'm overweight. I have been for most of my adult life. My first "diet" was in the 9th grade and since then it's been a tumultuous relationship between me and food. I love it. A little too much. And my brain doesn't always know when to say "stop" or "don't eat that, it's bad for you!"....so here I am. I'm anxious all the time. I've shut myself off from those that I care most about. I get up each day, go to work, come home, watch some TV, eat something, go to bed and start it over again the next day. Weekends, I sometimes don't come out of my apartment until Sunday evening. 

I'm not comfortable writing this. I'm also not looking for "It will all be okay, tomorrow's another day!" or "Hope that you're okay, I'm here if you need me." I know that. That's the think about being stuck where I'm stuck. You know that reaching out and talking to someone or getting outside for some fresh air is good for you. That it will likely make you feel better about things....but you still don't do it. 

Until you reach that point.....

That's what this 3 day weekend has been for me. It's been a wake-up call for me that no one else can fix what's broken in me. That if I want to make a change, only I can do it. I've been sick on and off for almost 3 weeks now. I know part of that is due to my action to be inactive. It's a culmination of eating french fries, WAWA iced coffees, donuts and chocolate Pop-tarts. It's sitting on my ass watching the entire first 3 seasons of The Americans and sleeping 9-12 hours on the weekends. 

So, this weekend I tried to take a few baby steps toward change. I reached out to a friend that I've woefully neglected over the past months. I took a few loads of old clothes to the donation bin in town. I threw out all the crap in my fridge. I ate fresh fruit and vegetables and eggs and BLT sandwiches. I did bake some cookies, but used alternatives to butter (yogurt!) in hopes of trying something new. I opened some windows to let in fresh air at night. I played music and started a new book instead of laying in front of the TV. I went for a small walk Sunday evening, even though I just wanted to stay inside. 

I tried. I showed up. I grabbed hold of roots on the side of the cliff.....

And I started the hard process of pulling myself back up over that ledge I fell off of in early Spring.... I hope you'll stick around to see some of the other changes that I have planned over the coming year. It's scary to put your truth out there for the world to hear, but it's also very freeing:)

<3
Jenn